I used to write my goals or plans on my journal whether it’s a short or long term goal including the target dates and ticked each one as I achieved or completed them. I used to feel proud that I achieved something because I was persistent and determined. I used to think I’m in control of my own destiny. I used to believe that if you work really hard, you will get what you want, something that you deserve based on the effort and time you invested in it. However, as I looked back, I realized I was just fooling myself thinking I was in control. I cannot take credit for anything.
All those years I could see myself as a tiny piece of clay, being fitted and molded to create a great masterpiece. As a child, I have always dreamed of doing great things. I have always believed that I was created for a greater purpose. I feel like a child at the edge of my seat looking through the window expectantly and eagerly waiting for her father’s return or a child running around excited for her present to arrive because she was told she will receive one anytime soon.
As each chapter of my life unfolds, I see myself as a spectator of my own life. Indeed, it was like a gift being unwrapped in front of my eyes. When I decided to start doing something, somehow along the way the control is taken out of my hands. Like a captain of a ship, I would set to sail with the plan, the route, and the purpose of the trip in mind. But for some reason in the middle of the vast ocean, someone takes over the steering wheel and I was allowed to just sit back and watch.
When someone tells me I’m very good at what I’m doing, I would say thanks but deep inside I feel like I didn’t really do anything much. I am not devaluing the other person’s compliment or the gift that God has given me, I was just acknowledging that whatever good I did was not solely from me but from whom all Goodness and Love emanates.
Many times I would say to myself “I feel like I’m not in control”, “it was not just me”….” it’s not because I worked hard or persisted,” “I didn’t even think I deserved it.” But experience taught me, that’s what GRACE is, you can’t do anything to make yourself deserving or worthy of something. It is given as a gift and God will make you worthy of that gift.
Every blessing that I receive reminds me that this life is not mine to waste. I don’t even have a bit of right to take it for granted. I can’t promise to always live it to the full because I know I’m not that strong. There’ll be times I’ll stumble. I can only promise to strive every day and pray for courage to rise each time I fall. And when I feel that things are not going the way I planned, I’ll just have to remember to put my trust in God.
“For it was you who formed my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed.”-Psalm 139: 13-16