I’ll be 30 next year.
Every time I think about turning 30 I feel really old. Tonight has been my lowest moment. I feel like a wreck. Not because I’ll be turning 30 but because I feel like I’m drowning. I’m starting to suffocate. The walls are closing in around me. Walls that I have built around myself for almost 3 decades. I always say to myself and to other people who asked me, “No, I’m not angry.” It is true I was never angry. I became indifferent instead to protect myself and to keep my head above the waters. I carried this baggage on my shoulders over the years and survived every mountain on my journey. I have succeeded in every step I took.
Tonight I feel like a wreck. I listed all the things that are weighing me down at the moment from the most trivial to my biggest stressors. When I stopped for a second to read what I wrote, the baggage that I have been carrying the longest is the heaviest.
I sobbed and sobbed as if someone just died after this realization. I can’t stop myself from wailing. The walls I built around myself is starting to crumble into pieces. If I don’t get myself out, I’ll be crushed to death. It will kill me very soon.
I decided to take the leap tonight. I mustered all the strength and courage I have left to pick up the phone and dial the number. I needed to say, ” I forgive you for all of your inadequacies, for my traumatizing childhood, for all the things I missed and longed for from you that you withheld from me, for the missed opportunities, for the pain and suffering we had to endure, and for any hurtful things that I will encounter in the future as an after-effect. I forgive you. I also forgive myself for taking this long to get out of the walls and cross the bridge. I forgive myself for holding back all these years.”
I am ready to put this baggage down. I am tired and my soul is weary.
I thank you for everything. Every single thing that I went through has molded me into the person I am today. It has definitely made me stronger. I know that I will be able to overcome whatever difficulties lie ahead of me.
Yes, I do forgive you.